“I don’t know what formula of success, but I certainly know what formula of failure…to please everybody”
-by I don’t remember who.
This few posts back, I’ve been writing about almost nothing. Some of them are just mere seasonal vibes and feelings. And that include this post.
I guess I have been too much pay my allegiance to the formula of failure which is to please everybody…except myself. Thus in the process I’ve been missing so many things that most of the time important for those I wanted to please. I feel bad because of it. Now I want to make a bit of paradigm shift inside of me, in other words a self reform.
It sounds nice to please everybody. It certainly sounds noble but the truth is it’s not. The more I want to please everyone around me, the more I will hurt them and much importantly I am the one who hurt the most. Why? Because “everyone/everybody” is just too many to cope with.
In analogy, it would be like a inquisitive little boy who wanted to learn and master everything under the sun and on the earth. Utterly unwise and crazy. Maybe the boy can master a few but let others handle the rest.
I missed so many things and I hurt so many peoples/friends/etc. I am sorry. I can’t be ‘more’ perfect (which made it sound like I am perfect). That’s why I always dream to be nobody. Because in this real world nobody is perfect.
To be honest, when I hurt somebody, and when I realized that they were hurt because of me, I was twice as hurt. No words can be uttered to portray my sorry.
Most of the time I care so much about feelings. I just want to ‘do what I want others to do to me’. That’s all. Most of the time I failed to hold to my own principle. Mistake is mistake and damage cannot be undone. Like a saying “A man has no nature, a man only has history”.
Now I would like to try only master a few rather than everything. I can’t save the world but maybe I can save a few soul. Not trying to please everyone but try a more balance approach. Accept that hurting others is inevitable and be hurt is normal.
I admit, my writing is cryptic than ever. Sometime understanding is not to grasp the meaning but just to hold the feeling. What I mean sometime is not important. However I really want to convey my feeling.
For those who know me in the real life, I really hope that you would understand my writing especially those who have been unintentionally hurt by my stupid words or actions. For blog mates I hope my comments and postings are appropriate. If not I am sorry.
I am apologetic. Most people hate apologetic person. I hate part of my apologetic personality but sometimes I appreciate it. I believe that humble is not lack of pride but humility is ability to admit self mistakes (made me sounds like I am humble) and to boast that I am humble is not humble at all.
Postscript : I have deleted my Friendster and Facebook accounts, I don’t feel they’re useful anymore. They’re just made me hurt. I still can be found in so many place in the internet i.e. Google, Gmail, Yahoo Mail, Yahoo messenger, and WordPress. Or just call me or sms me. (Sigh…it’s not like so many friends will find me. So much of one sided friendship. Go to hell…Sigh.To hurt is normal right…?)