“Penungguan suatu penyeksaan”
Is it? Is waiting really a torture? Is the feeling of anxiety, the feeling of wanting to know what will happen after the waiting is really a tormenting experience?
Waiting in some cases is called procrastination (just my opinion). Every time we procrastinate, we need to wait a bit. I particularly very good at this. I postpone everything. Although I hate to wait but I love to postpone things. Example, cleaning the dishes, writing blogs, renew car license and so forth.
Besides that, I always wait. I wait for the price to fall before I buy a laptop. I wait for my birthday to launch my new blog. I wait until I really feel very hungry before I actually have my meal. I wait for everything. I am born waiting for sometimes somethings that I am not sure of.
What am I currently waiting?
- Waiting for a proper date for my new blog launch.
- Waiting for wordpress 2.5 for my new blog.
- Waiting for my allowance.
- Waiting for my research Grant to be approved.
- Waiting for enough money before I buy a DSLR.
- Waiting as in “If you love someone set her free, if she comes back…”
I am not sure whether waiting is really a torment. Sometimes I feel that I don’t want to face what I wait for. Example although I always wait for my graduation maybe in the next 2 years but I wish the time will go very slow. I am too afraid that I can’t finish on time and I am too afraid of the notion of going outside this comfort university zone.
I always wait to return to my hometown, but then I always postpone because I am too afraid to know that I need to leave again after returned.
I hate weekend because it marks the end of the week which usually I failed to accomplished anything. I always wish a week goes on and on until I finished my works. Although I always wait for weekend because weekend is always fun.
I usually woke early in the morning around 3 a.m or sometimes earlier. I wait for the daybreak but I always wish the night goes on and on because every day a new problem arise and yesterday’s problem is yet unsolved.
I live in contradictory of myself. I am fighting within myself. I am waiting but in the same time I postpone what I wait. Then I wait for what I postpone. I want to live forever but in the same time I want to die right now.
I am actually too afraid of everything. I am paranoid. (Not yet delusional and far from schizophrenic) Too afraid of prospect of losing what I wait for.
I always thought that I should let go. But it isn’t easy. Yes to hope is easy but to let go, is something too hard to do.
This is purely a rambling in the morning writing about what I feel right now.
Am I on a wise man path or on a fool’s errand?
My whole life waiting…