To my astonishment my previous post First Love (FL) is the most viewed. So I will write related to that post. I have no obligation to keep any of this as secret because I am now totally free of any “feelings”. So when ever I write they are just for the sake of whimsical. This time I would like to put the “third” as the main character (refer to First Love post). The one that was unrealized until it was too late.This post will be a bit long because it is the full story, first time documented and told.
Days are not always sunny, but most of the days they are sunny at least back then in Kuching. As a student working for SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia), there were only three most significant activities in my routine. Study, prayer, social. Full boarding school it was. Study consist of 50 percent of life. Books and teachers and discussions. Social is always intertwined with pray because the in same time they usually of the same peoples. Faith was a rather big factor influencing my life back then.
I was quite a faith holder those days compare to present. I wanted to be nice to everyone regardless who ever they were. So here came the character, a girl that I don’t really realize her existence. Actually I don’t really realize existence of anybody beside myself. I am a bit self centered. It was actually this school that made me care about who were around me.
I never knew that the girl know me from the first week of orientation. We were in the same group even doing stage performance together. My bad because I have a rather rusty memory especially short term. I knew that only after she told me. Even then I still can’t remember the first week memory. So the time went by a year and so.
I never been particularly only nice to any certain girl. A I said I wanted to treat everybody as nice. But this girl was kind of a bit different. I always persuade her (is it the right word for “Pujuk”?) which was to think back a little awkward. (No cheesy please). We did many programs together intentionally or unintentionally. I liked her in a sense that I can work together with her. We spend time talking about almost anything. Without realizing I met her every evening before we went to prep time. It was the most awaited time of the routine. (Beware of exaggeration).
Those days handphones are prohibited in the school area. We weren’t allow to own them. I have one though. Siemens which has the simplest function available for a handphone. Messaging and voice call. HP was like a determining factor. Students became couples and broke via HP. The case was not remote for me. The girl and I were messaging day and night to ask even to the slightest thing. Honestly I was purely a fool to not realize our relationship when the messages volleying both sides was so romantic that I can imagine them anymore now. They were of love, of promises, of dreams and of life. How could I be so naive to think that it was just merely messages in the virtual world? We were a fully established couple in the messages but in the real world,no one knew, maybe up to the moment.
As the time went by the relationship remain intimate just in the HP. In the real world we acted normally. I mean we met but we never went a “date”. The meetings remain purely friendship. But weird enough how can a purely friendship made me thought of her almost literary every minutes awake? Those time for me was like in love poetry, beautiful and addictive. I was without my own knowledge and consciousness totally in love. It was not something that I ever feel or experience. To tell the truth I have never felt the feeling even a hint up to now. It was something so naively pure and chaste.
Our relation was particularly Godly, heavenly and divine. In the sense that we always exchange prayer, faith sharing, cross ornamental and anything related. To utter in other way, my love of God and my love of she always came in the same time. I love God so I love her. I really miss the experience that was so divine, so pure. It’s not too much if I count this as my true First Love.
One might not tell when a civilization fall, one might not tell when we fall asleep, I , cannot tell when our love started but what I certainly can tell is when it ended. The ending was for the real and virtual world. On the last day in school before everybody leave for good. I ask to meet her for the last time. That was the first and the last date I ever have. That was the only few minutes we were a couple in the real world. I am thankful (note I used “am”) for the grace that she was the first person to say she love me with her own voice. The most precious gift I’ve ever received. I almost fainted to hear it with my own ears. To be loved in return is so NOT overrated.
Why it ended? Let it remain a mystery. She is happily ever after in the kingdom far far away with her Prince Charming (or Shrek). We are still friend in messages world but never met ever since. Far deep in the secluded corner of my heart I always deny that I regret letting her go. Love someone, let her go…la konon.
As the conclusion here are three gifts she gave me that I always bring with me till today. Three crosses that stick with me where ever I go. The double cross pendant which I never took off for almost 4 years. A wooden cross keychain that I attached to my wallet and a black and silver cross that I hang at my handphone. Honestly these gifts have been closely with me since the day she gave me. I might have let her go but not her gifts. The important thing is that as I see the cross I am reminded of God and…of her.
If one day you read this…I am sorry I never told you…I am sorry I let you go…I’m sorry, I love you (Mmm cam pernah dengar)