(Expect something cheesy? Perhaps not…maybe…)
At the least expected event I was reminded of my first love. What first love? Which first love? When? My first love of science and knowledge…(Think I am not geek enough? Think it again…). My first love was mathematics, numbers, and its miracle to perform infinite possible computation through the beauty array of algorithms. The thought was like a broken dam and rushing down to the valleys of memories into the estuarine blend of content and reminiscence.
It has been said that first love acts like drugs in brain. It is intoxicating and addictive (Need citation). Most of the time First Love (FL) ends as only as FL, at least it is for me. What remain is the perennial rush of excitement when the feeling is in mind. The zeal and desire to hold and to own what not meant to be. And…the least, the knowledge that to love does not mean to retain (Mencintai tidak bermakna memiliki). As in my case I have a neat list of FL encounter throughout my brief life.
This is the list of my FL in disorderly manner…
- My first crush with a girl when I was 13. The girl has actually lost in both perceptual and physical sense. (I bet you know Patt)
- My first best friend when I was 7 which is also lost.
- My FL of chemistry. It was Clorox(TM) the bleach that fascinated me so much.
- My FL of physics. Astronomy, the moon, the stars and back.
- My FL of History. Science itself.
- My FL of computer. Drawing software that used no mouse when I was around 5. I love it because I can draw and impress my parent.
- FL of Internet. The E-mail. Classic. The love that never lost.
- FL of Korean-Japanese movie. Windstruct. I cried even when I watch it again and again.(Jiwang karat)
- FL of Korean-Japanese drama. Full House. I can’t even listen to the OST anymore because I miss the feeling watching the series for the first time sooooo much. I never watch the drama twice.(A dramatically modified fib)
- FL of knowledge. Mathematics which I stated the first of all.
- FL of manga (Japanese comic). Dragon BallZ. I stop reading comics since DBZ finish near 10 years ago.
- Above all, the Ultimate very FL. The one and only God. Need no explanation.
It occur to me that when I love someone/something I won’t be able to hate them anymore. Even how many hurtful years with them (take for example Biology). I love so many things that I don’t know which I love most. Also I love so many people that I can’t differ the most and the least. Its like a philharmonic symphony where love is like every pieces of notes. In the other hand, a sudden mistake (as in this case hatred) will be so clear because everything is in harmony.
Neurotoxin attact the nerves so is hatred. Both made us lost our nerve. My observation, anger is The mother of hatred as in give birth of hatred. I don’t know mother of Love (God I guess). So that’s why I rather be sad then be anger to avoid giving hatred a birthday. In sorrow and solemnities I can find wisdom instead. In anger and annoyance I just find irrationalities and anxiety. I also find that crying is very good for me especially when I am alone (watching Korean drama) which is again “Jiwang karat”.
To extend the long story longer, I have fall for few girls (which almost always end up one sided, BTW some people call me L which comes from “AL”vin but also means L**s*r). In a sum, five(five). The FL utterly lost, I don’t know where. The second, stupidly never start and suddenly end (I am still discerning it until now). The third, unrealized until it was too late (not really too late just a L**s*r) so we end it gracefully on “The Last Day”. The fourth, purely one side which is obviously on my side (in other word rejected). The Fifth, has been told directly and indirectly throughout Days Without Miracle e.g. Dream. However, most importantly all of them know that I once have a special feeling for them. So I will die in no regret.
If there is FL there should be LL. Guess what does LL means. L**s*r’s love? No! It’s last love? or Perhaps Latest Love?
Here my LLL (list of LL)
- The Fifth as stated above
- LL for chemistry. Chemometric particularly QSAR.
- LL for physics. Quantum physics.
- LL for internet. Blog.
- LL for history. Sarawak politics.
- LL for computer. Linux.
I should stop before the post become too long winded… Love someone, let her go, if she return she’s already yours. She’s not? then she’ll never will be.(Note : Only L**s*rs always let go of what they already grasp in hand.)