(Beware of metaphor and symbolism, prepare to expand the imagination (and open mindedness))
For quite sometimes I have always paranoid about things. Questions that randomly linger in my mind. What do peoples around me think about me. Am I too arrogant? Am I too insensitive? Am I too sensitive? Am I too manipulative? Am I too romantic? Am I too… (anything possible)? I always hate excessive quality. I always want to be moderate in anything. So I always asking myself what’s on the other side? What’s in their mind?
I am critical (at least in my own mind) of what I see especially of annoying behavior. But I will try to avoid by all cost complaining about them in voice. Although sometime utterly unavoidable. In the same time I hate earnestly those who never except what in their sight and always complaining. As if nothing in this world is made fine. However, when I am happy and feel secure in my surrounding, I tend to be critical and complaining about things around me and even things that beyond my reach.
Ironic isn’t it? When I feel secure I bound to act as if I am the perfect one and start thinking with my stupid “unconscious” mind. Among many hours of my 24 hours days these moments are moments that I would like to be kept afar at all time. During these time I am at most vulnerable of my stupidity and arrogant. Sure someday people may attack me. Honestly I admit my least favorable thing to do is to be humble. Which is also again my greatest weakness.
How do I learn these things? I learn these when I’ve been left alone and left cold by others (my friends). I start reflecting what life have I live along. I start observing others and compare them with myself and almost always found out that I am no better then them. So am I worthy to criticize when I myself is worse? The only way is to improve myself.
So…on the other side…things always different. I always criticize things which I know little of or nothing of using the my own measurement without realizing on the other side people have different parameter to consider. How can I label them stupid when peoples on the other side are doing their best?
Ignorant is the main reason for ignorant comments. I observed peoples (and myself) always spit out random comments that tend to hurt others. Especially when those who were hurt kind of related and know the true situation but stay silent to avoid confrontation. (I guess in our multiracial Malaysia they are awfully lot of peoples are among these ignorants.) On the other side, the silent just keep low to preserve peace that we (I) defend for so long.
Again, I emphasize that I hate to use the word “we” because I will almost assume that all of us have the same opinion when in truth on the other side it is totally not. I don’t want to make my personal stupidity collective to all.
Imagine that I am on the other side…what would I do? Imagine I have the knowledge of those on the other side…what would I think? Imagine that ignorant peoples on the other side attack or criticize me…how would I act? Imagine these…I have tried really hard to imagine these when I was left alone and cold (I mean literary not symbolically).
It might sound that I used pronoun “I” in my writing. Try reading as if in the same time writing this. Do I make myself clear? If not, let alone my personal delusion and foolishness dwell endlessly on my inkless writings.
(Sorry if this post is harsh…I just write what I keep on thinking for the last 2 days)