santah.jpg[The internet is awfully slow at the moment. It is excruciatingly pain waiting just to load Google page. It was never this slow before. I wonder Why…]

The least I did on Christmas day was attended Vigil mass, had a Christmas party and sleep the whole day on Christmas day. The whole day means really the whole day. I woke up during the night.

I realize something wrong with me. Due to long time of being left alone and solitary I guess I become so much of paranoid of my surrounding. I have become an anti-social and I really don’t like crowd and many peoples around me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t really like to talk. I prefer to just listen and watch others talk. I can’t express what I feel but just keep everything to myself even I laugh from the inside… I already did so much damage to myself.

I also realize that due to some insurmountable amount of time I spend with my laptop, I become so attached to it that I can’t stop thinking about it whenever I don’t bring it along. I am getting geeky by a second. I guess I looked geekier as I write now. I like to watch informational scientific videos and I kinda hate music video and reality tv. I always appeared to walk with my laptop bag with me at all time. I read Linux news and watch funny geeky series “The Big Bang Theory“.

I can’t sleep until I really sleep because my head just can’t stop thinking. I slept with a dictionary next to my pillow just in case I thought of an English word that I don’t know the meaning. My days won’t be complete if I don’t read something or if I don’t know a new thing. Encarta really come in handy.

When I lay down on my bed I can’t stop thinking of my e-mail. I will walk to the library to get the internet connection just to find out I’ve got no e-mail. Every morning I wake up thinking about what I would write in my blog.

Most of my life revolve around myself. I don’t know how I become like this. I hate to involve in others business I will to the least of possibility to let other involve into mine.

I am a silent person. I was known as a silent boy when I was little. I became a bit lively just for a short while. I was happy. But I am also happy for who I am now. To be involved in community for sometime really made me know myself for a little more.

Above all, despite weirdness I found about myself, differences that I found in me from others around me, made me appreciate myself more. I see world around me really different from how others see it. I just couldn’t understand how others think. I am really weird I can feel it, but I can’t understand it. Just to make me more complicated I often talk and riddles and people around me irritate when I start to explain how things work. However, I just really like to know, to tell and to share.


5 responses to “Realization

  • lynnwei

    relax, mayb u just need a break and relax…

  • Patt

    My opinion is:
    Just be yourself and don’t try to be someone that u r not. Appreciate who you are and love yourself.
    Be happy with the simplest things in life, laugh at the silliest things around you. That’s what makes life beautiful (for me la).

    This is just my thoughts, just to share with you.
    *cheers Alvin.

  • fila

    alvin, how u express ur feeling with words is really damn undenialble impressive..
    But I wonder why is there always a pain inside ur words.
    The words are really hurting,even to me as a reader, feel like sumthg cut through the heart.
    Its really like u..the most silent person..
    But it’s not like u dat i knew back then, guess people changed even me myself..
    But hey buddy, cherish ur life!
    Not only wth ur laptop neway..
    Sorry dude, if my comment is somethg what u call as ‘involve in others businness’.It’s just me huh.. But I am too,hate being involve in others business anyhow..haha.
    Gud day everyday!!

  • elvinado

    Thanks Lynwei…
    Thanks Patt. I am pretty much myself at the moment. I don’t try to pretend to be anybody else.
    Thanks Fila. I’m sorry if my words is sharp and hurting. I just express the best in the best English I have. Maybe it’ll be different if its in Malay. Hehe.

  • fila

    the thing is I am really impress with your english..haha.
    good for u and good for us the readers.

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