I wonder why…whenever I’m happy I don’t bother to really write any post, but even a slight infliction, the first thing in my mind is this blog. Clearly I am a lonely person whose my only friend is myself.
WHY WHY WHY?
Why do I need to cling to others? After I manage to cut the clinging again I will begin a new. I really feel the “useless” feeling just all over my body. I felt suicide just thinking that I can’t live with just myself. I hate that other can do everything they like to me just I am helpless pathetic. I want to stand on my own feet with my own strength. But more or less everyday I’m just be a hindrance. I don’t know how many post is it like this already…although I wish that this will be the last but I know it will never will be.
Why is my feeling really influential to me. Damn it. I wish I never own one. My feeling cause me to feel afflicted inflicted ashame worthlessness. I hate it. My feeling cause me to hate those feeling again.
Really really I really wanted to cry right now. But I can’t I just can’t. How sad I am I just can’t shed my tears. I wish I could because crying will make me feel better. The best part of it is crying ALONE which is again recursive. The feeling of crying alone make me wanted to cry.
I will I will one day be someone useful maybe not to just a small group of people or individual instead to human civilization. I will make myself more than useful. I promise. But I don’t want people to cling to me because I don’t want other to feel the infliction than I already feel. I wish and pray each person that have ever have a contact with me will able to ‘stand on their own feet’. I want to help every creature if not just human in my sight when the time come. Yes it’s a dream. I want to help people without pitying them so that they never feel insulted.
Maybe there are reasons behind what I’m down to. A good long term justification for why I need to feel all these hateful feeling. Just a big MAYBE. I just need to wait for the bigger plan to come into picture. Like set of jigsaw puzzle. I might be on the plain part of the picture which are pieces of puzzle so hard to match. I just can’t see the whole until the puzzle complete. Maybe I just need to patiently wait. All this pain is just the part of the bigger plan. I hope so…MAYBE…