My Promise to Myself

I wonder why…whenever I’m happy I don’t bother to really write any post, but even a slight infliction, the first thing in my mind is this blog. Clearly I am a lonely person whose my only friend is myself.

WHY WHY WHY?

Why do I need to cling to others? After I manage to cut the clinging again I will begin a new. I really feel the “useless” feeling just all over my body. I felt suicide just thinking that I can’t live with just myself. I hate that other can do everything they like to me just I am helpless pathetic. I want to stand on my own feet with my own strength. But more or less everyday I’m just be a hindrance. I don’t know how many post is it like this already…although I wish that this will be the last but I know it will never will be.

My feeling

Why is my feeling really influential to me. Damn it. I wish I never own one. My feeling cause me to feel afflicted inflicted ashame worthlessness. I hate it. My feeling cause me to hate those feeling again.

Really really I really wanted to cry right now. But I can’t I just can’t. How sad I am I just can’t shed my tears. I wish I could because crying will make me feel better. The best part of it is crying ALONE which is again recursive. The feeling of crying alone make me wanted to cry.

My Promise

I will I will one day be someone useful maybe not to just a small group of people or individual instead to human civilization. I will make myself more than useful. I promise. But I don’t want people to cling to me because I don’t want other to feel the infliction than I already feel. I wish and pray each person that have ever have a contact with me will able to ‘stand on their own feet’. I want to help every creature if not just human in my sight when the time come. Yes it’s a dream. I want to help people without pitying them so that they never feel insulted.

Maybe…

Maybe there are reasons behind what I’m down to. A good long term justification for why I need to feel all these hateful feeling. Just a big MAYBE. I just need to wait for the bigger plan to come into picture. Like set of jigsaw puzzle. I might be on the plain part of the picture which are pieces of puzzle so hard to match. I just can’t see the whole until the puzzle complete. Maybe I just need to patiently wait. All this pain is just the part of the bigger plan. I hope so…MAYBE

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One response to “My Promise to Myself

  • Anouhea Audiya

    Just pray, Darling! I was once in your shoe a few year ago.

    Always felt suicidal almost all the times. Until I met a group of friends whom willing to share their fun with Me.

    Just to the gOd!

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