1. Again this morning I did not sleep again.
2. I wanted to take my spiral binding from my thesis supervisor.
3. Last night I called Ivy, just missing her so much
4. I felt so stupid this morning because I am hoping for something that uncertain and maybe impossible. Betting a losing game. I am the one who hurt most.
5. I do some search of someone called Shawn… Ivy’s Boyfriend. He is in Unimas. Damn it. I think I know a lot about him. Because last time I already search a bit. But I don’t know why do I want to hurt myself.
6. I realize how gentle the way Ivy reject my “proposal”. She just post her picture with her boyfriend on the Friendster. I am stupid. How can someone so pretty like her could fall for me.
7. I have been broken for so many time. I wish I get numb to it but it still hurt like hell. This time is the most. Because I promise that I will never let go.
8. I am so broken that I deleted my old blog out of extreme frustration.
9. I just wish someone could love me one day.
10. Sorry for sound like a desperate guy cause I am.
11. I am an example of disadvantages of being short and geeky. No girl come close. I just look stupid even though clever. But I am not really clever. Just merely stupid.
12. But I am happy but really feel stupidize when Ivy still answer my call and talk with me like nothing ever happen. Just I am on the other side of the line holding my brokenness.
13. This 1st May I am going to Kuching to hurt more of myself. I had not enough hurting in my life. I need to get hurt until I become numb and heartless. I hope I will become like Hitler.
14. I realize that without power I am just a dumb guy that possess no look and brain. One day I promise that I will hold power. But before that I need to learn from pain and insults those girls gave me.
15. I started to hate girls. (thinking back I am just like Hachiko in NANA anime) damn it. The different is that I am a guy. I will never fall in love again.(but in few second when I see girls I fall in love again)
16. Being shortie sure shit. I never pray to be taller but I always pray that I am Intelligent. But I get neither. Moreover I become stupid and stupider everyday.
17. Even so I still Love Ivy. Damn it. I love her so much that I can’t hate her when I mad at her. Vain love. I wish I could let go.
18. Thus I need to get a work as soon as possible so that I can forget anything that happen.
19. I don’t want to Continue my study. I foresee my inability and stupidity. I can never be a scientist. Maybe just a dumb theorist as you like.
20. Finally number 20, I don’t want to be a weak person anymore. I always give up. I am sad. I am slow. What happen to ALVIN. The one I know was really impressive, admirable, reliable, believable, confident, and simply great. Get them back. Hold yourself together.